I spent some time this weekend thinking about 81 year olds. Two of them in fact. My mother and the Pope. The Pope turned 81 just this week and my mom turns 81 in May. When I began drafting the piece, I thought it was going to be about two different versions of 81 – similarities and differences – and it ended up being a piece encouraging the Pope to get a really fat cat. I have absolutely no idea why I started talking about my mother and her cat AGAIN. It’s when I knew I should walk away from the laptop and come back to writing at a later point.

This morning, I sat down with my coffee and scoured the NY Times website to see just how excruciating the Pennsylvania primary is going to be and lo and behold, I see a headline about the Pope and cats.

And so, without further ado, I offer you some of my own observations about the similarities between my mother, also named Joan Garry and Pope Benedict.

Similarities

1) Both are devout Catholics. My mom goes to church almost every day. Except on Thursday when she golfs.
2) Both of them like to drink. And I’m not talking lemonade.

3) Both of them have been to a synagogue recently. My mom for my kids’ bar / bat mitzvah and the Pope to an east side synagogue to honor the Passover holiday.

4) Both Pope Benedict and the other Joan Garry have struggled with the morality (or lack thereof) of homosexuality.

5) Both my mother and the Pope have a connection to my friend Sylvia Vogelman. My mother has known her for years and the Pope’s chef on Saturday night was a friend of Sylvia’s. She was not at liberty to discuss the menu but did acknowledge that the Pope likes to drink wine. Duh.

6) Both the Pope and my mother have spent time with gay men who sing. My mom has attended a number of concerts of the NYC Gay Men’s Chorus. The Pope spends alot of time with priests.

7) My mother and the Pope both love cats. In fact Pope Benedict is the only Pope who has a biography written about him by a cat.

Differences

1) My mother does not wear big wacky hats. Although in a recent photograph, she looks like she is wearing a plant.

2) My mother has struggled with my sexual orientation and is a lot further along on this subject than Pope Benedict.

3) My mother prefers martinis to red wine. Her martinis are with gin, very dry and she likes olives.

4) No one has written a biography of my mother and I have not heard that one is in the works. If there was, I am quite sure that her cat Babe would not write it.

5) My mother loses her wallet and her car keys with some regularity. I am guessing the Pope has people who take care of these things.

6) My mother enjoys a Sunday afternoon nap and takes good care of herself. The Pope runs himself ragged. My mom watched the Yankee stadium mass and said “The Pope looked exhausted. He had bags under his eyes that went all the way down to his knees.”

7) My mom has a wonderful, neurotic and severely overweight cat that keeps her company and loves her without condition. The Pope only has an imaginary cat named Chico.

For those of you who know my mother or the Pope and can add to either of these lists, you know where to find me.

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 I  have an op ed running this morning in the Newark Star Ledger.  For those of you who do not subscribe to the Newark Star Ledger,  here you go:

When Juno hits video stores this week, kids will be anxious to see it or in many cases, anxious to see it again.  It was a date night film for older teens and a feel good movie on a very important subject for the newly minted ones.

Parents should see it, too.  Parents should see it again if they saw it in the theatre.  Because if your household is anything like mine (heaven help you), you missed an opportunity to talk and listen to your kids about the film and its implications.

My partner and I took our thirteen year old twins to see the film.  To her enormous credit, our daughter Kit suggested we sit separately.  At first I thought she just didn’t want to be seen with us. Then I realized that she was the wise one – we were all going to need some space.

We were sure the film would be powerful – a teenage girl who gets pregnant and has to grapple with her options.  We were equally sure it would lead to an eye opening post-film conversation.

But it didn’t.

Maybe it’s because it’s such a feel good movie.  Maybe we just didn’t have the nerve to go there.  Maybe once we heard the kids say how much they admired Juno and her choice, we felt we could move on.  We didn’t push the kids to another level.  We should have.  We took the easy way out.  Just like the filmmakers.

I know it’s a comedy.  But still.  Juno is a great character.  She has spunk and integrity.  But her flesh and blood, her son is presented as a “problem” to be “solved.”  Somehow we miss the fact that her son is a miracle and there actually isn’t a solution.  There are many options, each with consequences and implications.

When my friend Fran’s teenage daughter became pregnant, there was nothing easy about it.  Fran works hard to make ends meet and her husband struggles with a chronic illness.   She understood that her daughter could choose an abortion and this was an option.  But she also understood that this baby was her flesh and blood.  A granddaughter.  She offered to help raise the baby.  Fran’s life became harder in some ways but not in the ways that really matter. And that toddler gives my friend Fran unconditional love and joy.  Fran could not imagine life without her.

My friend Sarah’s adopted son Luke is desperate to know that his first mother’s decision was not easy.  “Was my birth mom sad?” he asked Sarah.  “Did she cry?” The implication for Luke is that he doesn’t ever want to believe that it was easy or inconvenient for his mother to decide to give him away.   Rejection is bad enough but thinking that your birth mother wasn’t too broken up about it?  Devastating.   He wants to know that he was loved beyond measure - that the idea of him was thrilling in some profound way to his birth mom.   He needs to know that these things are not mutually exclusive with his mom’s decision to give him a better shot with my friend Sarah.

My friend Terry found herself in Juno’s situation nearly 35 years ago.  She’d like people to know that the choice she made to give her baby away wasn’t easy.  It was the most excruciatingly painful experience of her life. And no, her real name is not Terry.

Terry would tell Juno that, in the weeks following the birth, Juno’s body will physically crave the baby. She would tell Juno that getting back together with the father of your child causes an even greater sense of loss. And she would tell her that when she is ready to start a family, her sense of loss will hit her like a ton of bricks.  She will want her baby back.  And it will be too late.

As a fictional character, Juno is the centerpiece of the film.  She is strong willed and independent-minded. She is smart, insightful and a little complicated.  What a missed opportunity for the filmmakers not to use this character to take on more responsibility for a life decision that requires just such attributes.

I want our kids to understand the ramifications of the choices they make in life. I do want them to believe in happy endings but to remember that the path to get there is typically neither easy or obvious.  I want them to never forget that a human life is not a problem to be solved but a miracle.  And that  “respect for human life” is not just a saying.  It should be considered a profound obligation.

I wrote this piece hoping it would get published.  But there are only two readers I really care about.  It’s time for a follow-up conversation.

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For many families, this is a lovely time of year.  When high school juniors casually prepare for the SAT’s.  When families take wonderful road trips to look at college campuses,  presenting unique opportunities for parents and child to bond, to plan thoughtfully for the future.

Of course there are those who don’t experience it that way.  Some parents actually gasp when they hear the Admissions counselor mention the cost of tuition during the information session.  Some parents forget that it is their son or daughter who will be attending the school.  Some parents forget that colleges don’t focus all that much on the quality of the dorm mattresses.   Some parents don’t understand why a prospective college doesn’t recognize that their son is the messiah.

Prospective college students don’t need help.  Parents do.  And so, in that spirit, I offer the following advice to parents who are about to embark on college tours with their high school kids.

1) KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. For all of you Type A micromanaging baby boomers out there, I know this will not be easy.

2) If you can’t keep your mouth shut, send the other parent.

3) Avoid loud gasping when you see the room the size of your kid’s closet with 4 people jammed into it.

4) Generally avoid gasping all together.

5) Do NOT. I repeat, do NOT brag about your kid to anyone else (kid or parent) on the tour.

6) Watch “Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” (the one with Gene Wilder) before you set out on your tour. Pay close attention to Grandpa and keep your fingers crossed that your kid behaves like Charlie.

7) Watch the movie a second time and pay attention only to the other parents. Don’t do anything they do.

8)Don’t scream at your kid when they hold the Mapquest map upside down and cause you to be late for the tour.

9) Wear sensible shoes, especially if it is raining. Encourage your kid to do the same. We had one tour in the pouring rain and Scout nearly slid like Derek Jeter across the length of the auditorium while the Director of Admissions calmly looked on.

10) Make sure your child has eaten before a tour. I generally find that hungry people are crabby people.

11) Dress casual but not too casual (Unless you are going on a tour at Sarah Lawrence). I would reconsider my own wardrobe for the tours - when I realized that I was wearing the same sneakers (those cute converse with no laces) as the tour guide, I thought I had gone a bit too young.

12) When they won’t get out of the car because one of the school buildings on the campus annoys them, avoid the words “I drove all the way up to freakin’ Medford MA and you didn’t like the CASTLE?”

13) If you try cafeteria food, do not gag or spit any of it out.

14) Once the tour is over, CONTINUE TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! This is the most critical time. The kid will disagree with absolutely every observation you make - even if they completely agree. To be serious for a minute, find a checklist that your kid can fill out - tons of them online - the checklist enables you to keep your mouth shut and for your kid to react subjectively to each tour against the same set of variables.

15) Remember that horrible voice mail message Alec Baldwin left for his kid a year or so back? Do not, under any circumstances, say anything like that while on the tour. No matter how idiotic, obnoxious, ridiculous or insanely your kid behaves (see why the ‘keep your mouth shut thing’ keeps coming up?)

16) When you get home, CONTINUE TO KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT. When the other parent starts asking questions, do your very best to let your kid speak for her/himself. I know it’s hard because you are a Type A micromanaging baby boomer.

17) Always save the most important piece of advice for last. Never forget, ever, ever, ever - just how extraordinary your kid is and how lucky ____ College/University would be to have her/him.

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Hey, this is Joan’s son Ben. I’m the kid who was in my mother’s last post, posing in front of a waterfall. You might have missed the waterfall because of my muscular build. Many months ago, I was the voice over for a few of Joan and Scout’s videos that you can see if you click here. My mom and I are planning to make a video soon without Scout and you’ll be able to tell that my voice has gotten much lower.Many people ask me “Why do you enjoy watching Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes?” Sometimes I agree that it is odd that I like watching Andy Rooney because most thirteen year olds don’t want to watch an old guy talking about his own problems for five minutes straight.But I do.One night I was watching 60 Minutes with curiosity. Then Andy Rooney popped up to talk about an article he saw in a newspaper. I found him amazingly truthful and not afraid to say what’s on his mind. Another reason I watch him is because I learn many random things that I enjoy knowing.Tonight for example, he was talking about cars at car shows and how crazy expensive they are and how they seem to get uglier every year. I learned that a car from many years ago can travel the same speed as one of these crazy robot cars that people buy today. One other fact I learned was that a crazy percentage of American families have three or more cars.Every Sunday night I ask my parents to tell me when Andy Rooney is coming up. Usually I am going crazy on my Rock Band guitar.Andy Rooney’s an interesting guy and I know he’s really old but I hope he keeps making stories for years. And I hope some day he’ll brush his eyebrows (Joan suggested I write that).

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Eric Asimov’s column in this morning’s New York Times raised questions we grappled with here at whosthegrownup.com last summer. How do you raise your kids to be responsible when it comes to alcohol. Here’s a conversation Scout and I had a while back on this subject. (Note: special thanks to Ben for the voiceover. He had to try very hard to make his voice sound lower. He no longer has to try very hard).

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About two weeks ago, Scout wrote a piece about being stereotyped. She is an Obama supporter, diligently filled out her absentee ballot for the New Jersey primary and is taking the politics business seriously. Her post, Nobody Puts Baby, or Barack in the Corner, is a smart and provocative piece. And yes, I am her mother and have no ability to be objective.

The Huffington Post liked the piece as well and published it that same day. Within an hour, Scout had well over 100 reactions. I found myself kvelling.

So in the true spirit of kvelling, I offer you some excerpts of the comments she received.

I’m 66 years old. I’m proud to see young people engaged in the political process. You are the future of America. (Note: clearly this woman has not been in Scout’s room recently)

Once you’ve been around for a while and had your head handed to you in a basket over and over again by the likes of Delay, Rove, Limbaugh and the like, then maybe you’ll understand why the old farts don’t fall for the big talk anymore (Note: spoken like a true old fart)

A menopause joke? Could people over 40 be dismissive of the youngsers because the young think the world was created the day you were born (Note: crabby author. Hot flash maybe?)

I’ve been teaching for 25 years and I think this is an exceptional piece of work. You’d get an A in my class. (Note: Where were you when Scout was in 11th grade?)

Submit this piece to the NY Times, WSJ, WashPo, LATimes and USAToday and see if anyone has the integrity to bite (Note: please forward contact info for these pubs to comments @whosthegrownup.com. I’m banking on Scout’s notoriety to ensure my early retirement)

I can count on one hand the blogs posted on HuffPo over the last four months that were worth reading and yours is one (Note: what? You didn’t like the one I wrote about Oprah’s Big Give)?

The comments go on and on for pages. Scout read them all and learned alot. She learned that she touched a chord with a lot of people. She also learned that some people are very, very touchy about menopause.

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