I carry a card around with me. A Mother’s Day card Scout made for me years ago. A drawing on the cover – a kid standing on her head. The text inside reads “You’re like an 8 year old trapped in a grownup’s body. I hope you always stay that way.”
Today is my 50th birthday. When I look in the mirror, I see someone with wrinkles, someone who colors her hair (it’s just this one patch of gray that I have fixed – I swear). The image always surprises me because I expect to see this picture. This is how I feel.
And of course the truth is that, although I have a much better haircut, I still wear clothes like this. This jacket belonged to one of my brothers. It was way too big. I loved it. See how happy I look? My mother couldn’t stand it – not exactly what she had in mind. And while as I sit here, I am in fact wearing my own clothes, yesterday I wore Ben’s shorts and one of his t-shirts. They are comfy. I have no doubt Tim Gunn would toss every item in my closet. I saw an episode of his new show yesterday. He was dissing his “victim” for wearing clothes she probably wore in junior high. I can beat that. I wear the kind of clothes I wore when I was eight (see photo above).
50 has a certain ring to it. This morning, it had a certain sting to it. Then I woke up this morning to find a front page New York Times story: “Aging and Gay, and Facing Prejudice in Twilight.” The photo is a picture of a 76 year old man feeding his 71 year old partner struggling with Alzheimer’s disease. I put my head in my hands when I saw it and read the headline to Eileen. She said “Even straight people get Alzheimer’s, Joan.” She was missing the part that got me. It was the 71 part.
We all find ourselves asking the big questions when we hit milestone birthdays. Am I making the most of my life? Should I be doing something differently from what I am doing? Am I a good person? What do I want to do when I grow up?
After midnight last night, I found myself being eaten up by some of these questions.?Ǭ† I got cranky and then I went to sleep.?Ǭ† I woke up this morning to find a hilarious e-card waiting for me and the wave of self-pity passed.?Ǭ† When I picked up the Times and saw that article,?Ǭ† the headline made me laugh.
So I’ve been spending the day thinking about better questions to ask myself.
How could I be so lucky??Ǭ† Why did Eileen walk down the hall and introduce herself to me at MTV in July 1981? ?Ǭ† What if having kids was not on her ‘to do’ list??Ǭ† How did we manage to find a wonderful town to raise our kids??Ǭ† How could we be so fortunate to have three really nice kids? ?Ǭ† Should I take up bridge and crossword puzzles and martinis so that I can be a healthy and happy 80 year old like my mom??Ǭ† How many people in this world have the opportunity to spend nearly 10 years of their working lives combining something they are good at with something they care about??Ǭ† What an amazing gift to be able to spend time at home with our kids?
I have miles to go.?Ǭ† Many of them I hope. Not sure where I’m headed but I know Eileen will be with me. I am confident that the journey will enrich me in ways I can’t begin to imagine.?Ǭ† So let the games begin.?Ǭ† Half time show is over – time for the second half.
And you’ll recognize me easily.?Ǭ† I’ll be the one that looks like I’m about 8.
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